Last year I started a search for answers.
Towards the end of my Junior year in high school (4 years ago), I started experiencing different health issues. They just showed up one day, out of the blue. I went from one appointment to the next and my doctor couldn’t find anything really wrong. I remember her telling me, “maybe you just feel this way because you’re stressed and running a business so young” or my personal favorite, “next time your vision goes black and you feel like passing out, why don’t you try sitting down first”…yeah, we knew it was time to see a specialist.
Last spring we got the referral which started the journey of monthly visits with our new Dr., lots of tests, strict diets, and making friends with the sweet lady at the lab which soon felt like a second home. The first few months I was really hopeful, our appointments were encouraging and I was feeling optimistic we’d get some answers soon..but as months went by, it all started to seem like a broken record. “One of these days we are going to have answers!”, “THIS test will be the one, I’m sure of it!” I would try to stay positive in the waiting as I pumped myself up with words of motivation but like that gum you’ve been chewing on too long; it was all starting to loose its flavor.
Although I tested negative for Lymes disease several times, a few weeks back we recently decided to on go further intense testing. Yesterday during a walk with my angel of a Mom, I told her ” I just feel like I’m crazy. I have no control over my body and I just wish we could diagnose what is wrong with me. I just need a name.” I cried out to the Lord as my mama encouraged me in truth like she always does, ” He will never give you more than you can handle. He’s got you right were he wants you Hannah girl. All in his time” I needed that truth more then you could know! I started relying on doctors or the “right” medicine for healing and what I really needed was to let my sweet Savior in. To let him do the healing and lead me instead of relying on my own strength.
I believe he holds it all.
He has the power to restore and heal me in this moment if that is his will but I have a hunch he has a greater plan. I’ve come to learn that it’s through these hard times of weakness where I’ve had to rely on him to be my source of strength, that he’s been able use me most. It’s as if He is saying: “I’m going to show you just how great MY strength is, by using you in your greatest weakness.” I would never wish a season of illness on anyone but it has been something that has changed me for the better.
This morning I woke up to lab results that read: “Lymes disease positive.” Praise the Lord. I know I probably sound like a crazy person, (hey! maybe I am 😉) but THIS was my answer that I prayed for…not even 24 hours prior. I just needed a name, a word to cling onto, a reminder that he is faithful in all of this. And that is just what that was.
I want to thank so many of you who are walking with me through this season with encouraging words and never lazy praying knees. A big ole huuug is long over due! I’m stubborn with sharing these posts because I’m naturally uncomfortable in the limelight, especially when it comes to things like these! I much rather just brush it under the rug but I know a lot of people struggle with their health and often feel like the outcast. You’re so far from alone friend! I believe the way through suffering is to reach out to others in theirs. You’re not crazy, but you are crazy loved!